Challenge: 19. Awkward first time sex.
Summary: James and Lily’s first time leads to the conception of one Harry James Potter.
Warning: First time sex.
Word Count: 1,390
Beta's (because it takes two for my horrible grammar): octagonal and ryogrande. Thank you so much, ladies!
I am scared out of my mind. That’s about the only way to put it. In retrospect, I should learn to not let my mouth make promises that my body isn’t prepared to keep. It’s not that I don’t love James. I do. And it’s not that I don’t trust him. I do. It’s just that…having sex is a big step. It’s a step that, from what I’ve heard, is supposed to hurt like hell. And really, it’s more than a little bit strange. No boy has ever seen me naked before. I mean, sure, James and I have fooled around before, but this is different. This is not him groping my breasts over my shirt or me sticking my hand down his trousers and rubbing him off. This is me. Him. Both of us. Together. And the thought of that is scaring me out of my mind.
I promised to come over to his flat tonight, but I don’t have to be there for another hour and a half. I spend most of the time pacing around my den, biting my fingernails. I never bite my fingernails. I’m not even sure if I want to go through with this, but how can I not? I love him. I want to be with him. I want us to move forward. And this is the next step. So I will take it. We will take it. Together.
I leave a few minutes earlier than I have to, in case I feel the need to stop and come back home before turning right back around and heading towards his place all over again. It only takes two turnarounds before I finally make it to his place, which is rather heartening, all things considered.
I’m five minutes early, but James doesn’t seem to mind. He jumps up nervously and starts pacing the room. “Right. Hi. Lily. You’re here. Right. Um…hi.”
“You already said that,” I mutter, not meeting his eyes.
“Right, of course. Um…so. I guess we should…go in the bedroom?” he glances up at me and rubs the back of his neck uncertainly.
“Sure, okay,” I say and follow him into his bedroom.
It’s strange; I’ve been in this room plenty of times before. I’ve been in his bed before. I’ve spent the night here, curled up against him, sighing happily at how lucky I was. But now…now I was in his room for a reason. It was exactly like before and completely different at the same time. I was in his room with a purpose.
He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked up at me with these huge, pleading eyes that reminded me of his Animagus form. Something in my heart twisted and pulled me over to the bed to sit down next to him.
James glances at me with a look on his face that clearly says he’s as scared as I am.
Ever since we got together, I’ve always taken care of James. I took care of him when he was so nervous on our first date that all he could do was sit there saying, “Uh. Hi. Uh. Hi,” repeatedly and twist his hands in his hair. I took care of him in seventh year when his parents died and he wouldn’t speak to anyone for three days. I took care of him when he had a panic attack at the Leaving Feast because he didn’t want to leave Hogwarts and his friends. So really, it’s no surprise that I have to take care of him now.
I cup his chin in my hand and pull his mouth to mine. Our lips meet softly at first. We haven’t kissed like this since our second date. It’s slow and it’s cautious, like we’re testing each other out to see how far the other will go. His tongue ventures out slowly and he runs it along my lower lip. The kiss deepens and his hands wrap around my waist.
And then suddenly things start moving way too fast for me to catch up. Instead of his hands on my waist, they are beside my shoulders as I lie flat on my back and he hovers over me. I can feel that he’s hard, and he presses his groin against me and moans into my mouth. Before I have the chance to register much of anything, he’s pulling off my top and I gasp as the cold air hits my breasts.
My skirt goes next, then my underwear, and somehow in the mix of all this, he’s thrown his clothes off as well.
It’s too fast, too much, and I want to tell him to stop, but the smile on his face gives me pause. The only time I’ve ever seen him smile like that before was when he was pulling a prank, so if this makes him as happy as his pranks do, then all I can think is that it must be good.
He wastes no time and pushes into me. There is a blinding pain behind my eyes and I fight to keep them open as he blinks in confusion and pushes harder. Suddenly the pain triples and I can’t breathe. All I can do is lie there and gasp and sputter and try to form words. James grins and says, “God, this is amazing, Lily.” He moves a certain way and I gasp because the pain gnaws at me from the inside out. “You like that?” he asks, mistaking my gasp of pain for one of pleasure.
He thrusts in and out as I struggle for breath, all the while mistaking my groans for moans and my sputters of pain for sounds of encouragement. His face contorts as things progress, first a look of shock and excitement, quickly moving into a look of something that is either intense pain or intense pleasure, and finally to the point that his face is screwed up and his eyes are closed, and suddenly he gasps and comes, making all sorts of loud noises that I know will be ringing in my ears for hours to come.
“That,” he pants, “was…amazing.” He rolls over, lying flat on the bed beside me, then leans over and kisses me on the lips. “Did you like it?” he manages to gasp out in between deep recovery breaths.
I bite my lip and look at his expectant face. Slowly, I nod. “Mmmhmm. It was good.” I pat his arm softly and groan as I try to sit up.
“What’s the matter?” he asks worriedly.
“I’m just a little…sore.” I wince and stand up slowly, walking towards the bathroom adjoining the bedroom.
“Lily, wait. You’re bleeding. Shit, are you okay?” He jumps up and is at my side in less than a second, holding onto my arm and staring into my eyes, a look of pure horror on his face.
“Yeah, I’m…I’m fine. It’s just that girls have this…thing that makes it…” I wince as he steers me back towards the bed and has me lie down, “hurt when she loses her virginity.”
“God, Lily, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, oh fuck, why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“It’s okay, James, don’t worry, you didn’t know,” I say as he grabs his wand.
“Let me do a Healing Charm,” he says quietly.
“They don’t work on this,” I say. “Don’t worry, it stops hurting after awhile.”
“Are you sure?” he asks, sitting down next to me on the bed and brushing my hair back away from my forehead.
“Yeah,” I say quietly.
“God, someone should’ve told me. What other things about sex don’t I know? Next thing I know, you’ll tell me that a girl can get pregnant her first time!”
“She um…she can,” I whisper.
“Wait…what? Oh, shit.”
“It’s okay, I probably didn’t, I mean, what are the odds?”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he says and kisses my cheek before lying down next to me. “Let’s just get some sleep, okay?”
“Okay. Good night, James.”
“Good night,” he says, pulling me close.
“James?” I call from the bathroom of our new house, the tremor in my voice evident.
“Yeah?” he calls from the living room.
I walk slowly into the room and look up at him, holding a little stick in my hand that is most decidedly, unexpectedly, irreversibly blue.